For much of my life, I have struggled to be male. It's not there's anything particularly difficult about being a man, but it is a painful experience when you are transgender. I grew up with the feeling that something was terribly wrong with me, and never felt right about my identity. I grew up wanting, more than anything, to be female.
I also grew up in a very religious home. I was raised Mormon, so I also had the feeling that what I wanted/needed more than anything, was morally wrong. I think I dealt with my feelings like a typical Mormon would; I buried
my feelings deep and tried to keep them from being discovered. I coped
by trying to do all the right things. I earned by Eagle Scout badge, went to BYU, served as a missionary, and even married. All the while, I never felt right about myself, but that stayed hidden. I thought that if I just did the right things, I would be blessed and the situation would be made bearable.
In the end, I only recently began to realize how real and dangerous gender issues can be. For the past year, I have been struggling with severe depression. I've been hospitalized twice after wanting to end my life. I stumped the doctors until a psychiatrist helped me trace the depression back to my gender issues. It was the first time I had opened up to anyone about wanting to be female.
That was two months ago. Since then, my life has turned upside-down more than once. I have come to accept myself as a transgender woman. My greatest hope would be to transition to life as a female. I am at peace with that desire.
The real struggle is in getting those close to me to accept the decision. My wife tells me I'll never be a real woman. She sees me as a danger, and threatens to leave with our children.
I am at a loss. I love my kids, and don't want to lose them. Yet, I also want the pain and depression to stop. I desperately want to live as Rebecca.
So, this blog is my attempt to assume my true identity and make sense of life. I need to work through feelings thrown at me by friends, family, faith... while becoming the woman I know myself to be.