Birthday

For much of my life, I have struggled to be male.  It's not there's anything particularly difficult about being a man, but it is a painful experience when you are transgender.  I grew up with the feeling that something was terribly wrong with me, and never felt right about my identity.  I grew up wanting, more than anything, to be female.

I also grew up in a very religious home.  I was raised Mormon, so I also had the feeling that what I wanted/needed more than anything, was morally wrong.  I think I dealt with my feelings like a typical Mormon would; I buried my feelings deep and tried to keep them from being discovered.  I coped by trying to do all the right things.  I earned by Eagle Scout badge, went to BYU, served as a missionary, and even married.  All the while, I never felt right about myself, but that stayed hidden.  I thought that if I just did the right things, I would be blessed and the situation would be made bearable.

In the end, I only recently began to realize how real and dangerous gender issues can be.  For the past year, I have been struggling with severe depression.  I've been hospitalized twice after wanting to end my life.  I stumped the doctors until a psychiatrist helped me trace the depression back to my gender issues.  It was the first time I had opened up to anyone about wanting to be female.

That was two months ago.  Since then, my life has turned upside-down more than once.  I have come to accept myself as a transgender woman.  My greatest hope would be to transition to life as a female.  I am at peace with that desire.

The real struggle is in getting those close to me to accept the decision.  My wife tells me I'll never be a real woman.  She sees me as a danger, and threatens to leave with our children.

I am at a loss.  I love my kids, and don't want to lose them.  Yet, I also want the pain and depression to stop.  I desperately want to live as Rebecca.

So, this blog is my attempt to assume my true identity and make sense of life.  I need to work through feelings thrown at me by friends, family, faith... while becoming the woman I know myself to be.