Going home

Tonight, I return home from a business trip to New York.  Once I got a handle on the trip, it actually went pretty well.  A physicist, I gave a talk at an academic conference, and did some interesting work at Brookhaven National Lab.  I love learning new things, and this trip allowed me to learn something about micro-fabrication, and meet new collaborators.  Sometimes, it's just refreshing to get away.

So, I'm actually very nervous to return home.  I have a large family that I love dearly, but with that comes a lot of expectations.  I've been married for18 years.  Within the Mormon Church, marriage is viewed as being binding beyond death.  It's a special privilege, but one you have to live worthy of.  The marriage promise is is a covenant made between spouses, but also includes promises one makes with God.  It's a sacred act, that involves love and devotion, but also a lot of responsibility.  It's not to be taken lightly.

When I married, I sincerely loved my wife. While I had struggled with gender my entire life, those feelings were not at the forefront of my mind at the time.  I wanted to be happy; I wanted to be loved.  I wanted to do the right thing.  I thought if I had all that, my feelings of wanting to be female would diminish.

However, that's never really been the case.  Ironically, the feelings of wanting have always been especially present during intimate moments with my wife.  When I should have felt most like a man, the only thing I could think about was longing to be female.  My therapist once explained to me that part of a heterosexual relationship is enjoying one's gender in the presence of the partner. She explained that she really enjoyed being female when she was around her husband.  As a transgender person, I enjoy my wife, but believe I bring a different set of perceptions and needs to the relationship.

When I began to accept that I was transgender, one of the first things I needed to do was come out to my wife.  It took a few weeks, but I managed to do so with the help of my therapist.  I believe that was one of the hardest days we have had to face as a couple.  I think my wife and I have had markedly different reactions to the situation.  For me, it has been the beginning of my self acceptance and understanding.  I do have a much easier time if I think of myself as a woman.  So much of what has confused and pained me about myself makes sense.

My wife struggles with things, and that makes life harder for me.  Based on religious teachings, she says that "God doesn't make mistakes" and refuses to see me as anything but male.  She doesn't want me to go as a female around our kids.  "These kids need their dad, and they need you to look the part."  My wife states that we agreed to certain religious principles when we began to raise our kids, and she intends to keep things that way, even if it distances me from the kids.

So, home has become complicated.  My greatest desire is to transition to life as a female, but I also feel the obligation to keep our family together.  I worry about honoring my marriage to my wife, and maintaining a relationship with my kids.  However, I don't know if I can keep the status quo for too much longer.  It's taking at toll on me and I am really struggling.

Power of a name

I don't exactly know how I chose my female name, Rebecca, but it means everything to me.  I was on the phone with the Howard Brown Health Clinic, a leading provider of LGBT healthcare here in Chicago.  They asked me if I had a preferred name.  My whole life, I've gone by a male nickname, so my unconscious reaction to that question was to give my male nickname.  Then it hit me that they  wanted to know if I had a preferred female name.  In moment, Rebecca came to me, and that has stuck ever since.

Hearing my name when I am in female mode always cheers me up.  I feel like the woman in me is a real person, with some value.  Being called Rebecca makes me happy enough that I took the middle name "Joy." When you feel like you've been called the wrong thing your whole life, hearing the correct name is a luxury that you don't take for granted.

I had a difficult purge last week, immediately before leaving on a business trip.  I've been in New York since Sunday.  I spent three the past three days in guy mode, before my depression started to take over.

Tonight, I got dressed up as Rebecca, and went out.  I couldn't find anything in particular to do, until I found myself at the makeup counter of a department store.  I ended up talking briefly with the girl at the counter.  During the course of the conversation, we exchanged names.  As I left, she said, "You have a nice night, Rebecca!"  That's all it took.

Birthday

For much of my life, I have struggled to be male.  It's not there's anything particularly difficult about being a man, but it is a painful experience when you are transgender.  I grew up with the feeling that something was terribly wrong with me, and never felt right about my identity.  I grew up wanting, more than anything, to be female.

I also grew up in a very religious home.  I was raised Mormon, so I also had the feeling that what I wanted/needed more than anything, was morally wrong.  I think I dealt with my feelings like a typical Mormon would; I buried my feelings deep and tried to keep them from being discovered.  I coped by trying to do all the right things.  I earned by Eagle Scout badge, went to BYU, served as a missionary, and even married.  All the while, I never felt right about myself, but that stayed hidden.  I thought that if I just did the right things, I would be blessed and the situation would be made bearable.

In the end, I only recently began to realize how real and dangerous gender issues can be.  For the past year, I have been struggling with severe depression.  I've been hospitalized twice after wanting to end my life.  I stumped the doctors until a psychiatrist helped me trace the depression back to my gender issues.  It was the first time I had opened up to anyone about wanting to be female.

That was two months ago.  Since then, my life has turned upside-down more than once.  I have come to accept myself as a transgender woman.  My greatest hope would be to transition to life as a female.  I am at peace with that desire.

The real struggle is in getting those close to me to accept the decision.  My wife tells me I'll never be a real woman.  She sees me as a danger, and threatens to leave with our children.

I am at a loss.  I love my kids, and don't want to lose them.  Yet, I also want the pain and depression to stop.  I desperately want to live as Rebecca.

So, this blog is my attempt to assume my true identity and make sense of life.  I need to work through feelings thrown at me by friends, family, faith... while becoming the woman I know myself to be.