Over the last few days, I have been thinking over the process that has brought me to where I am. From my own experience, I realize that there must be others out there that were raised as religious conservatives who now identify as transgender. Coming to peace with a transgender lifestyle often means setting aside long-held religious convictions. In my case, I have been a strong member of the Mormon faith all my life. At times, some of happiest moments have come because of my faith. For example, I served for two years as a Mormon missionary in Quebec, Canada in the mid 1990s. For those not familiar with Mormonism, it is common for Mormon youth, typically ages 18-early 20's, to spend 2 years spreading the word. Missionaries are assigned to a place of labor somewhere in the world by Church leadership, and are frequently required to learn a new language. The missionary also pays his own way. I realize it's often seems inconvenient when the Mormon missionaries show up at your door, but the missionaries are sincere. The work can be very hard - in my case, there was a lot of rejection, and rudeness. However, the work does grow on you in incredible ways. The spiritual growth I experienced, far outweighed any negative experiences. I learned an incredible amount about my faith, and also myself in what became an incredibly short 2 years. Indeed, I was last most happy while a missionary.
So, now I am middle-aged, and recently came out as transgender. I have struggled with gender identity all my life. Once I admitted to myself that I was transgender, much of those internal feelings I have had for years began to make sense. In some ways, I am grateful to finally know who I am, and I count myself fortunate to be transgender.
The biggest conflict that I now have is to resolve my new gender identity and my faith. While the Mormon faith has not yet made policy on transgender members, there is a good chance that I could be disciplined or even excommunicated as I proceed with my transition. It's difficult, but a choice I've already made. I've begun to live a a female in certain settings (work, in the community), and I finally feel right as myself. I do feel that God has had a hand in my recent self-discovery; it has probably saved my life in light of my struggles with depression.
So, I wanted to make an open appeal for input on this issue: What has your experience been with long-held religious beliefs and your gender identity? For those of you from more conservative faiths, how have you resolved the obvious conflicts?
Please try to be sincere. This is a sensitive topic for many.
Rebecca
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Simple Pleasures
To speak frankly, depression is a serious condition, particularly for those in the transgender community. The pressures on a transgender individuals are very real and can be scary. For me, being male has always been painful. This is a concept that is difficult to explain to those who are secure in their gender identity. Despite trying to bury the the feelings of wanting to be female, the desire was always there as the background noise of my life. As much as I tried to ignore the feelings and desires, they surfaced consistently. Sense of identity underlies one's health and well-being, and a transgender person can live with an uncertain identity for decades. More than just a feeling, I felt a true desire to live as a female.
On top of the drive, there are a unique set of pressures that begin to pile up. I lived in fear of being discovered. Religion, family values, and peer pressure are common examples of stimuli that can contribute, but a transgender person will have a unique set of pressures as individual as they are. The combination of a strong drive for something forbidden, pain fear, and stress easily add up to depression. If the attempted suicide rate identified transgender individuals is 45%, THE RATE OF DEPRESSION MUST BE MUCH HIGHER.
I am 41, and hold a PhD. in physics. I work at a national lab, designing specialized x-ray detectors for a synchrotron light source. I've been struggling with depression for approximately 1 year. When the depression got strong enough that I felt like taking my life, I have always had the presence to find help. I have a history of self harm, but I have always stopped short of a serious suicide attempt. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones.
Having said that, I have missed 14 weeks of work over the past year. I have been hospitalized for six weeks, and spent another 6 weeks in outpatient hospitalization programs. There is a cost to my lab in lost productivity, and approximate insurance costs for hospitalization have been in the ballpark of $100,000. Out of pocket, we have personally spent in excess of $6,000 for individual therapy with psychologists. The dollar numbers do not reflect the costs to myself and family.
So, why do I want to write about simple pleasures? Simply put, I am thankful to be alive right now. I was discharged from the inpatient program 10 days ago. I have not yet been cleared to return to work, but am participating in a "partial hospitalization program," an intensive outpatient therapy program. I currently spent 6 hours at the hospital daily, 5 days each week. The day is comprised of 5 hours of group therapy, with an hour break for lunch.
The good part of this arrangement? My depression has abated somewhat, and I have been able to attend my therapy sessions as a female. I initially attended outpatient therapy as a male, but switched to female clothing after a few days. I came out as transgender to the therapy group late last week. The response has been positive.
It's hard to express how relieved I feel as a female. The depression abates, and the extra stresses disappear. There are simple pleasures. People who use my female name (Rebecca), or gender appropriate pronouns (she/her). I was using the lady's room yesterday when an elderly woman entered and complemented me on my blouse.
I've become friends with some of the female patients in the program. Today one of the other women braided my hair. Luckily, my hair is naturally curly, and I've been growing it out for about 7 months. I normally just wear it curly, but was flattered to learn it was long enough to braid.
Simple pleasures....
On top of the drive, there are a unique set of pressures that begin to pile up. I lived in fear of being discovered. Religion, family values, and peer pressure are common examples of stimuli that can contribute, but a transgender person will have a unique set of pressures as individual as they are. The combination of a strong drive for something forbidden, pain fear, and stress easily add up to depression. If the attempted suicide rate identified transgender individuals is 45%, THE RATE OF DEPRESSION MUST BE MUCH HIGHER.
I am 41, and hold a PhD. in physics. I work at a national lab, designing specialized x-ray detectors for a synchrotron light source. I've been struggling with depression for approximately 1 year. When the depression got strong enough that I felt like taking my life, I have always had the presence to find help. I have a history of self harm, but I have always stopped short of a serious suicide attempt. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones.
Having said that, I have missed 14 weeks of work over the past year. I have been hospitalized for six weeks, and spent another 6 weeks in outpatient hospitalization programs. There is a cost to my lab in lost productivity, and approximate insurance costs for hospitalization have been in the ballpark of $100,000. Out of pocket, we have personally spent in excess of $6,000 for individual therapy with psychologists. The dollar numbers do not reflect the costs to myself and family.
So, why do I want to write about simple pleasures? Simply put, I am thankful to be alive right now. I was discharged from the inpatient program 10 days ago. I have not yet been cleared to return to work, but am participating in a "partial hospitalization program," an intensive outpatient therapy program. I currently spent 6 hours at the hospital daily, 5 days each week. The day is comprised of 5 hours of group therapy, with an hour break for lunch.
The good part of this arrangement? My depression has abated somewhat, and I have been able to attend my therapy sessions as a female. I initially attended outpatient therapy as a male, but switched to female clothing after a few days. I came out as transgender to the therapy group late last week. The response has been positive.
It's hard to express how relieved I feel as a female. The depression abates, and the extra stresses disappear. There are simple pleasures. People who use my female name (Rebecca), or gender appropriate pronouns (she/her). I was using the lady's room yesterday when an elderly woman entered and complemented me on my blouse.
I've become friends with some of the female patients in the program. Today one of the other women braided my hair. Luckily, my hair is naturally curly, and I've been growing it out for about 7 months. I normally just wear it curly, but was flattered to learn it was long enough to braid.
Simple pleasures....
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Ups and downs: Transgender mental health
It's been a month since I've made a posting. I was unable to write because of a major relapse; I've been fighting depression since last spring. My previous posting was about returning home from a business trip to New York state. I was a little nervous about returning home. Let me explain why.
Just before going to New York, I had been approved for hormone replacement therapy; I was going to start taking estrogen in hopes of feminizing my body. While my wife had told me she didn't want hormones in our home, I figured it would be okay. It takes several moths of estrogen before significant effects take place; I just had to explain that to my wife, right?
Was I ever wrong about that. When I tried to explain things, she went crazy. She became instantly angry and suddenly my explanation became irrelevant. She told me she was going to take the kids on a vacation, and she wanted me to move out before she returned. Not only did I not have a valid explanation, I no longer had any rights. Suddenly, my wife was ready to tear me out of the family.
At first, I didn't know what to do. I hadn't expected such response from my wife. I returned home late to spend the night on the floor.
The next day was very difficult. My wife gave me an earful as I prepared to go to work. My initial plan was to simply keep the hormones in my office until the time was right. I didn't know what I would do about housing or other matters. On the way to work, a sister began texting me about possible disciplinary actions that the Church could take. That was my tipping point. I took the day off work and tried to make things right. I gave the hormones to my wife as a peace offering. I told her I would try things her way in order to save the family. I took a large portion of my female wardrobe and donated it to a local thrift shop.
That was just the beginning of a very miserable week. I later learned that I would also lose the services of a therapist that I had come to rely on.
The following week, I went to New York. I was in a terrible state. I spent three days somewhere stuck between two genders - the one I have but do not love, and the one I desperately want but cannot have. I finally cracked mid-week and bought women's clothing while in New York. I spent the last two days of the trip as a woman, and felt better about everything.
I came home from that trip late on the Friday of Memorial Day weekend. I relapsed into a full depression, and spent the next three days unable to get out of bed. Ironically, home was the one place where I had the least liberty to be myself. I just couldn't take it.
On Monday, my wife finally told me I could either voluntarily return to the hospital to have my depression treated, or she would call 911.
I went willingly. She dropped me off at the hospital, and then took the kids swimming at the local pool. I was admitted to the acute inpatient program at the hospital's behavioral health unit that afternoon for three weeks treatment. I came home late on May 20th. I'm continuing treatment in a intensive outpatient program. I will probably miss 4-5 weeks of work.
So, there are a few important take-aways. First, being transgender itself is not a mental illness. However, transgender people do have a high rate of depression for a variety of reasons. Being stuck in the wrong body has a lot to do with it. You know something is very wrong, but transitioning to the right gender can be very difficult. It is very common to feel stuck in a bad situation with no options.
Second, it's often the people we are closest to who are the most difficult. In order for me to transition, my wife wants a divorce, which I think is understandable. However, she has laid out a list of separation terms that are not very favorable. She wants full custody of the kids, and only wants me to have limited visitation rights. Any visits to the kids would require her supervision, and I would have to appear as a man. She does not want me to interact with the kids as a female. This one is hurtful. I think it's best for the kids to know openly why Mom and Dad might be separating.
Finally, I decided while in the hospital that I would transition. I don't know how things will work out, but this is something I need to do. Being male is not something I can take for much longer.
Just before going to New York, I had been approved for hormone replacement therapy; I was going to start taking estrogen in hopes of feminizing my body. While my wife had told me she didn't want hormones in our home, I figured it would be okay. It takes several moths of estrogen before significant effects take place; I just had to explain that to my wife, right?
Was I ever wrong about that. When I tried to explain things, she went crazy. She became instantly angry and suddenly my explanation became irrelevant. She told me she was going to take the kids on a vacation, and she wanted me to move out before she returned. Not only did I not have a valid explanation, I no longer had any rights. Suddenly, my wife was ready to tear me out of the family.
At first, I didn't know what to do. I hadn't expected such response from my wife. I returned home late to spend the night on the floor.
The next day was very difficult. My wife gave me an earful as I prepared to go to work. My initial plan was to simply keep the hormones in my office until the time was right. I didn't know what I would do about housing or other matters. On the way to work, a sister began texting me about possible disciplinary actions that the Church could take. That was my tipping point. I took the day off work and tried to make things right. I gave the hormones to my wife as a peace offering. I told her I would try things her way in order to save the family. I took a large portion of my female wardrobe and donated it to a local thrift shop.
That was just the beginning of a very miserable week. I later learned that I would also lose the services of a therapist that I had come to rely on.
The following week, I went to New York. I was in a terrible state. I spent three days somewhere stuck between two genders - the one I have but do not love, and the one I desperately want but cannot have. I finally cracked mid-week and bought women's clothing while in New York. I spent the last two days of the trip as a woman, and felt better about everything.
I came home from that trip late on the Friday of Memorial Day weekend. I relapsed into a full depression, and spent the next three days unable to get out of bed. Ironically, home was the one place where I had the least liberty to be myself. I just couldn't take it.
On Monday, my wife finally told me I could either voluntarily return to the hospital to have my depression treated, or she would call 911.
I went willingly. She dropped me off at the hospital, and then took the kids swimming at the local pool. I was admitted to the acute inpatient program at the hospital's behavioral health unit that afternoon for three weeks treatment. I came home late on May 20th. I'm continuing treatment in a intensive outpatient program. I will probably miss 4-5 weeks of work.
So, there are a few important take-aways. First, being transgender itself is not a mental illness. However, transgender people do have a high rate of depression for a variety of reasons. Being stuck in the wrong body has a lot to do with it. You know something is very wrong, but transitioning to the right gender can be very difficult. It is very common to feel stuck in a bad situation with no options.
Second, it's often the people we are closest to who are the most difficult. In order for me to transition, my wife wants a divorce, which I think is understandable. However, she has laid out a list of separation terms that are not very favorable. She wants full custody of the kids, and only wants me to have limited visitation rights. Any visits to the kids would require her supervision, and I would have to appear as a man. She does not want me to interact with the kids as a female. This one is hurtful. I think it's best for the kids to know openly why Mom and Dad might be separating.
Finally, I decided while in the hospital that I would transition. I don't know how things will work out, but this is something I need to do. Being male is not something I can take for much longer.
Friday, May 27, 2016
Going home
Tonight, I return home from a business trip to New York. Once I got a handle on the trip, it actually went pretty well. A physicist, I gave a talk at an academic conference, and did some interesting work at Brookhaven National Lab. I love learning new things, and this trip allowed me to learn something about micro-fabrication, and meet new collaborators. Sometimes, it's just refreshing to get away.
So, I'm actually very nervous to return home. I have a large family that I love dearly, but with that comes a lot of expectations. I've been married for18 years. Within the Mormon Church, marriage is viewed as being binding beyond death. It's a special privilege, but one you have to live worthy of. The marriage promise is is a covenant made between spouses, but also includes promises one makes with God. It's a sacred act, that involves love and devotion, but also a lot of responsibility. It's not to be taken lightly.
When I married, I sincerely loved my wife. While I had struggled with gender my entire life, those feelings were not at the forefront of my mind at the time. I wanted to be happy; I wanted to be loved. I wanted to do the right thing. I thought if I had all that, my feelings of wanting to be female would diminish.
However, that's never really been the case. Ironically, the feelings of wanting have always been especially present during intimate moments with my wife. When I should have felt most like a man, the only thing I could think about was longing to be female. My therapist once explained to me that part of a heterosexual relationship is enjoying one's gender in the presence of the partner. She explained that she really enjoyed being female when she was around her husband. As a transgender person, I enjoy my wife, but believe I bring a different set of perceptions and needs to the relationship.
When I began to accept that I was transgender, one of the first things I needed to do was come out to my wife. It took a few weeks, but I managed to do so with the help of my therapist. I believe that was one of the hardest days we have had to face as a couple. I think my wife and I have had markedly different reactions to the situation. For me, it has been the beginning of my self acceptance and understanding. I do have a much easier time if I think of myself as a woman. So much of what has confused and pained me about myself makes sense.
My wife struggles with things, and that makes life harder for me. Based on religious teachings, she says that "God doesn't make mistakes" and refuses to see me as anything but male. She doesn't want me to go as a female around our kids. "These kids need their dad, and they need you to look the part." My wife states that we agreed to certain religious principles when we began to raise our kids, and she intends to keep things that way, even if it distances me from the kids.
So, home has become complicated. My greatest desire is to transition to life as a female, but I also feel the obligation to keep our family together. I worry about honoring my marriage to my wife, and maintaining a relationship with my kids. However, I don't know if I can keep the status quo for too much longer. It's taking at toll on me and I am really struggling.
So, I'm actually very nervous to return home. I have a large family that I love dearly, but with that comes a lot of expectations. I've been married for18 years. Within the Mormon Church, marriage is viewed as being binding beyond death. It's a special privilege, but one you have to live worthy of. The marriage promise is is a covenant made between spouses, but also includes promises one makes with God. It's a sacred act, that involves love and devotion, but also a lot of responsibility. It's not to be taken lightly.
When I married, I sincerely loved my wife. While I had struggled with gender my entire life, those feelings were not at the forefront of my mind at the time. I wanted to be happy; I wanted to be loved. I wanted to do the right thing. I thought if I had all that, my feelings of wanting to be female would diminish.
However, that's never really been the case. Ironically, the feelings of wanting have always been especially present during intimate moments with my wife. When I should have felt most like a man, the only thing I could think about was longing to be female. My therapist once explained to me that part of a heterosexual relationship is enjoying one's gender in the presence of the partner. She explained that she really enjoyed being female when she was around her husband. As a transgender person, I enjoy my wife, but believe I bring a different set of perceptions and needs to the relationship.
When I began to accept that I was transgender, one of the first things I needed to do was come out to my wife. It took a few weeks, but I managed to do so with the help of my therapist. I believe that was one of the hardest days we have had to face as a couple. I think my wife and I have had markedly different reactions to the situation. For me, it has been the beginning of my self acceptance and understanding. I do have a much easier time if I think of myself as a woman. So much of what has confused and pained me about myself makes sense.
My wife struggles with things, and that makes life harder for me. Based on religious teachings, she says that "God doesn't make mistakes" and refuses to see me as anything but male. She doesn't want me to go as a female around our kids. "These kids need their dad, and they need you to look the part." My wife states that we agreed to certain religious principles when we began to raise our kids, and she intends to keep things that way, even if it distances me from the kids.
So, home has become complicated. My greatest desire is to transition to life as a female, but I also feel the obligation to keep our family together. I worry about honoring my marriage to my wife, and maintaining a relationship with my kids. However, I don't know if I can keep the status quo for too much longer. It's taking at toll on me and I am really struggling.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Power of a name
I don't exactly know how I chose my female name, Rebecca, but it means everything to me. I was on the phone with the Howard Brown Health Clinic, a leading provider of LGBT healthcare here in Chicago. They asked me if I had a preferred name. My whole life, I've gone by a male nickname, so my unconscious reaction to that question was to give my male nickname. Then it hit me that they wanted to know if I had a preferred female name. In moment, Rebecca came to me, and that has stuck ever since.
Hearing my name when I am in female mode always cheers me up. I feel like the woman in me is a real person, with some value. Being called Rebecca makes me happy enough that I took the middle name "Joy." When you feel like you've been called the wrong thing your whole life, hearing the correct name is a luxury that you don't take for granted.
I had a difficult purge last week, immediately before leaving on a business trip. I've been in New York since Sunday. I spent three the past three days in guy mode, before my depression started to take over.
Tonight, I got dressed up as Rebecca, and went out. I couldn't find anything in particular to do, until I found myself at the makeup counter of a department store. I ended up talking briefly with the girl at the counter. During the course of the conversation, we exchanged names. As I left, she said, "You have a nice night, Rebecca!" That's all it took.
Hearing my name when I am in female mode always cheers me up. I feel like the woman in me is a real person, with some value. Being called Rebecca makes me happy enough that I took the middle name "Joy." When you feel like you've been called the wrong thing your whole life, hearing the correct name is a luxury that you don't take for granted.
I had a difficult purge last week, immediately before leaving on a business trip. I've been in New York since Sunday. I spent three the past three days in guy mode, before my depression started to take over.
Tonight, I got dressed up as Rebecca, and went out. I couldn't find anything in particular to do, until I found myself at the makeup counter of a department store. I ended up talking briefly with the girl at the counter. During the course of the conversation, we exchanged names. As I left, she said, "You have a nice night, Rebecca!" That's all it took.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Birthday
For much of my life, I have struggled to be male. It's not there's anything particularly difficult about being a man, but it is a painful experience when you are transgender. I grew up with the feeling that something was terribly wrong with me, and never felt right about my identity. I grew up wanting, more than anything, to be female.
I also grew up in a very religious home. I was raised Mormon, so I also had the feeling that what I wanted/needed more than anything, was morally wrong. I think I dealt with my feelings like a typical Mormon would; I buried my feelings deep and tried to keep them from being discovered. I coped by trying to do all the right things. I earned by Eagle Scout badge, went to BYU, served as a missionary, and even married. All the while, I never felt right about myself, but that stayed hidden. I thought that if I just did the right things, I would be blessed and the situation would be made bearable.
In the end, I only recently began to realize how real and dangerous gender issues can be. For the past year, I have been struggling with severe depression. I've been hospitalized twice after wanting to end my life. I stumped the doctors until a psychiatrist helped me trace the depression back to my gender issues. It was the first time I had opened up to anyone about wanting to be female.
That was two months ago. Since then, my life has turned upside-down more than once. I have come to accept myself as a transgender woman. My greatest hope would be to transition to life as a female. I am at peace with that desire.
The real struggle is in getting those close to me to accept the decision. My wife tells me I'll never be a real woman. She sees me as a danger, and threatens to leave with our children.
I am at a loss. I love my kids, and don't want to lose them. Yet, I also want the pain and depression to stop. I desperately want to live as Rebecca.
So, this blog is my attempt to assume my true identity and make sense of life. I need to work through feelings thrown at me by friends, family, faith... while becoming the woman I know myself to be.
I also grew up in a very religious home. I was raised Mormon, so I also had the feeling that what I wanted/needed more than anything, was morally wrong. I think I dealt with my feelings like a typical Mormon would; I buried my feelings deep and tried to keep them from being discovered. I coped by trying to do all the right things. I earned by Eagle Scout badge, went to BYU, served as a missionary, and even married. All the while, I never felt right about myself, but that stayed hidden. I thought that if I just did the right things, I would be blessed and the situation would be made bearable.
In the end, I only recently began to realize how real and dangerous gender issues can be. For the past year, I have been struggling with severe depression. I've been hospitalized twice after wanting to end my life. I stumped the doctors until a psychiatrist helped me trace the depression back to my gender issues. It was the first time I had opened up to anyone about wanting to be female.
That was two months ago. Since then, my life has turned upside-down more than once. I have come to accept myself as a transgender woman. My greatest hope would be to transition to life as a female. I am at peace with that desire.
The real struggle is in getting those close to me to accept the decision. My wife tells me I'll never be a real woman. She sees me as a danger, and threatens to leave with our children.
I am at a loss. I love my kids, and don't want to lose them. Yet, I also want the pain and depression to stop. I desperately want to live as Rebecca.
So, this blog is my attempt to assume my true identity and make sense of life. I need to work through feelings thrown at me by friends, family, faith... while becoming the woman I know myself to be.
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